Thursday, March 16, 2006

In praise of.... Iran

Continuing my series of paeans to pariah states....

Britain's attempt to persuade the Iranians not to acquire nukular [ain't that what we call them, George?] weapons would be made a lot easier if it wasn't based on wank hypocwisy [isn't that what we call it, Sir Peter Tapsell?].

"We can have 'em, but you can't," doesn't really make for a terribly good argument.

Ah yes, but Iran is on record as saying it wants to wipe out a nation it doesn't like!

Ah yes, but we have a record of wiping out nations we don't like. Go check out Diego Garcia (not an Ecuadorian footballer), and that other place, what was it called, Eye-rak?

Ah, but we didn't use nukes to do the wiping!

Ah, but that is the beauty of nukes, isn't it? Once you got 'em, you don't gotta use 'em. ('Course, it helps if a mate of yours has used them once, just so people know.) You can then do your wiping out with other stuff, and keep your nukes in reserve, secure in the knowledge that they make you pretty much untouchable.

So how about we, the Brits, and Israel, err, I mean the Zionist Entity, scrap our nukes first? And then go ask the nice Mr Ahmadinejad if he'd like to reconsider.

Oh, and yes, I should declare an interest: I want to cycle through Iran on my way home.

So, if you're reading this, Mahmoud - go on, gizuzaviza.


  1. A visa issued for a bit of political support? With such demonstrations rampant self-interest you'll make MP or maybe even a Euro MP before your feet get better! If you do aspire to such dizzy heights you could then claim the cost of a first class return air ticket to China when you get back to the UK (even though you travelled by bike).

    I think too much standing on soapboxes might be exacerbating the problem with your feet . A bit of cycling might make it better.


    Peter Mandelson

  2. Hi Ed
    just been reading through some of the messages from when you were missing in action back in Feb and PG and nurse Linda were worried sick about you ...absolutely hilarious stuff.
    People quite often ring up my surgery asking for the chiropodist and I've always wanted to try my hand at it so after I've done your teeth you can swing the chair round and I'll have a bash at your feet..can't be all that difficult just need the right pair of forceps. After the stumps have healed I'll make you a nice set of false toes.
    My mother -in law is in Tehran at the moment
    what's the problem with your visa??
    Dom the dentist
    P.S glad to hear that on the night you nearly froze to death you remembered to brush your teeth
    Good boy

  3. Dear Mr Mandelson,

    Many thanks for your message.

    If I get the visa, I might try the same trick when I get back home with your old mate Tony, and see if he doesn't make me Lord Saddlesore of Bottom-Bracket-on-the-Mend.

    There is something I have been wanting to ask you, as it happens.

    In your well-deserved role as European Trade Commissioner, you decided recently to impose quotas on the import of Chinese textiles, with the result that vast shipments of ladies' underwear were prevented from being unloaded in European ports.

    Boris Johnson commented thus:

    "It is unlike Mandy to come between a British woman and her knickers."

    What I wanted to ask you, was:

    Do you find this
    (a) Amusing
    (b) Offensive
    (c) Both?

    And another thing. At the height of the Liberal Democrats' mauvais quart d'heure earlier this year, The Sun took a swipe at Our Simon and Our Mark, thusly:

    "Another one bites the pillow."

    Am I allowed to laugh?

    Wishing you all the best in your difficult job.

    Yours sincerely,

    Edward Genochio